Honesty and Slanted Truth
About 3 min read
by Eli H. Newberger, M.D. (6 December 2003)
(This lesson is based on an excerpt of the book “The Men They Will Become: The Nature and Nurture of the Male Character” by Dr. Newberger.)
Chapter 11 in the book “The Men They Will Become” addresses the subject of honesty in boys. This section discusses how truth can be slanted. It follows the section on Honesty and Conflicting Perspectives.
Seeing the subtleties of honesty
The older we get, the more opportunity we have to see the subtleties of honesty and dishonesty. We come to see the difference between literal and figurative truth—to see that a phrase like “I’ll do it in a minute” is probably literally untruthful but what we really meant was a metaphorical “I’ll do it in a short while.” Youngsters of literal mind who are impatient with our “in a minute” promises sometimes begin to count the seconds aloud.
We also come to see that many things are open to interpretation, depending on needs, interests, and perspectives. The cynical word these days is “spin” for the activity of putting forth an interpretation as much in one’s self interest as possible; some people are acknowledged to be spin-masters. But cynicism aside, it’s hard to deny the frequency with which we appeal for readings of events sympathetic to our own situation. An aware adult will be compelled to acknowledge the legitimacy of others’ doing the same.
We construct our own versions of reality
We all construct our own versions of reality and try to get others to adopt them or at least accommodate them. So one person’s truth differs inevitably from another’s. Some distortion of truth, or of what we best believe to be true, helps most of us manage to cope in the world. In her book, Lying, Sissela Bok—who makes a strong case for eliminating as much burdensome dishonesty and deception from our lives as we can—nevertheless quotes Emily Dickinson on the subject of honesty:
Tell all the truth but tell it slant—
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightning to our Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind—In conclusion
Unless the truth comes to us gently or obliquely, and in moderate doses, we can’t always tolerate it. It blinds us like lightning. We need truth to be circuitous, on the slant.
Jump to Where can you go from here? section
Your character comes from the truth about you
Author
Eli Newberger, M.D., a leading figure in the movement to improve the protection and care of children, is renowned for his ability to bring together good sense and science on the main issues of family life. A pediatrician and author of many influential works on child abuse, he teaches at Harvard Medical School and founded the Child Protection Team and the Family Development Program at Children’s Hospital in Boston.
From his research and practice he has derived a philosophy that focuses on the strength and resilience of parent-child relationships, and a practice oriented to compassion and understanding, rather than blame and punishment. He lives in Brookline, Massachusetts with his wife Carolyn, an avid kayaker and a developmental and clinical child psychologist.
To contact Dr. Newberger, please send an email to contact@elinewberger.com. His website is at http://www.elinewberger.com
Resources
P. Fitzgerald, “The Preacher’s Life,” New York Times, February 22,1998.
Review of I. Klima, The Ultimate Intimacy, trans. A. G. Brian (New York: Grove Press, 1988).
Piaget Siegler, Children’s Thinking, 33-34.
S. H. Cath, “Divorce and the Child: ‘The Father Question Hour?'” in S. H. Cath, A. R. Gurwitt, and J. M. Ross, eds., Father and Child: Developmental and Clinical Perspectives (Boston: Little, Brown, 1982), 470-479.
S. Bok, Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life (New York: Random House, 1978).
T. H. Johnson, ed., The Poems of Emily Dickinson (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1951).
Coles, The Moral Intelligence of Children, 34-51.
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