Readers’ Comments on Esteem
About 6 min read
Readers often have opinions and experiences concerning their own self-esteem, as well as that of loved ones. The following is a sampling of those readers’ comments.
- Put down throughout childhood
- Worried about son’s esteem
Put down throughout childhood
I’m somewhat confused about self-esteem, both high and low. If your childhood consisted of nothing but put downs, no encouragement, feeling as if you were never wanted, being physically abused, etc. etc. etc. how can you begin to build your self-esteem if this is the only way you know how to feel? How do you know if ever have high self-esteem, and feel comfortable with it?
Barbara
Answer
Parents, relatives, teachers and even friends have a lot to do with shaping your opinion of yourself when you are a child. Once you grow up and leave the nest, there is an opportunity to get away from this entire negative input and to try to get your esteem to what it should be. Often children who have been constantly put down and criticized move on to relationships and jobs where they still get put down by others. It is really tough to break out of that cycle.
The reason many people put down, criticize or abuse others is because it makes them feel strong and important. Some do it because they have been abused themselves and they think it is what you are supposed to do. Realize that the people who hurt you were doing so because it made them feel big or they were somewhat ignorant, and not because there was anything wrong with you.
There is an expression that “if you take crap, you get crap.” In other words, if you allow people to put you down, you will get put down even more. Obviously, you can’t do much as a kid, but as an adult you should be keenly aware of people who try to put you down and lower your esteem through their remarks. Avoid such people, if you can. Tell them, “I’m sorry, but I don’t accept that type of criticism.” Letting others put you down as an adult hinders your chances of raising your own esteem. Don’t let them do it.
OK, if you realize the people in your past put you down because of their own personal deficiencies, and if you make sure no one does the same anymore, you can then start to work on building up your own opinion of yourself. Do this by taking stock of all the things you do that are good. Think of all your achievements-big and small. You might even write them down. You can look at the list and say, “Hey, I can do some pretty good stuff.”
Then, whenever you complete a task-whether at home or at work-give yourself a pat on the back. Say, “Another job well done.” You’re stating your opinion that what you do and who are you is good and worthwhile. It is reinforcement of your positive self-esteem.
Hopefully, these ideas will help you get the type of esteem you deserve to have. I’m sure you’ll be able to wash away all that junk from your childhood and get to feel great about yourself.
Worried about son’s esteem
What do you do for a 12 year old kid who is made fun of every day at school and on the bus? He is a very bright student and gets mostly As, so it isn’t that he’s unsuccessful in school. He is not particularly athletic since his dad never let him try out for basketball or football. He’s okay (average) at baseball and used to like soccer but he outgrew the only soccer league there was around here. It isn’t just the kids in his (very small) school either, because this summer he went to a two-week enrichment class and by the end of the second week he said the other kids were already making fun of him. I don’t know if it was related to that or not, but he said that his model airplane was broken by another student when carrying it out of the class on the last day.
I suggested maybe he could take a martial arts class to meet some other kids but he thinks they too would just make fun of him. This problem has plagued him for years, but lately it has gotten worse. He used to complain that he didn’t have any friends. Now he says that everybody makes fun of him. So far this year three of his four teachers have called at least once about such things as not doing homework, cheating on a test, and breaking school rules. His school is so small there is no guidance counselor. I have considered calling the office and asking to meet with all of his teachers together about this. Any other suggestions?
Worried Mom
Answer
It is not easy to change the way kids act. Often they don’t want interference and refuse to cooperate. The problem with getting made fun of is that once you are pegged, it is very difficult to change the attitudes of others. This is true for adults as well as kids. The bright side is that kids change their views quicker than adults, so there is still a way out.
The middle school ages is the toughest of all. Kids can be really mean in the grades from 6 – 8. Once they get to high school most seem to grow up, although there still can be bullies in high school. Boys in that age group often rank others according to their physical skills. Athletes and bullies are ranked high on the pecking order. “Nerds” and “geeks” seem near the bottom in middle school. Being both good in some sport and smart can put the boy near the top.
The big thing is for him to get the confidence and esteem to overcome this problem, so he doesn’t carry it into his adult life. If he is worrying about getting picked on, for sure he will set things up so that he will be picked on.
Find out why other kids make fun of him. Does he have real thick glasses? Is he small for his age? Does he stutter or have speech problems? Does he dress differently than the other kids? Does he cry easily? Is he interested in things out of the mainstream? What are his friends like?
It would be good to check with his previous teachers for some feedback. Perhaps they can give you some honest insight. Of course, don’t let your son know you are doing this.
Being good in some physical activity is important at this age to gain confidence in dealing with others. Taking up Karate is not a bad idea, provided it is properly taught. There is some good self-discipline taught in the sport, building up confidence. Once a person walks and talks with confidence, the other kids can read that and will show more respect. He doesn’t have to get in a fight, but he should not be afraid to defend himself.
Rent the movie “The Karate Kid”. It shows how a kid who was picked on gained confidence. It also shows the importance of a good teacher versus a bad teacher.
Hopefully, these ideas will help.
A healthy self-esteem enriches your life.
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